North South Pee Poop Magnetism

Hi guys. Sniffer The Maltese here.

A popular scientific finding published last December in Frontiers in Zoology asserts that when dogs pee or poop we align our bodies along a magnetic north-south axis. It’s a fascinating fact and scientists can be proud of finding it out. But the bigger question is why do we do it? Scientists don’t know the reason.

Well, before they spend more money on finding the answer, please guys listen to me and instead use the money to find a cure for noisy neighbors. The answer to why we situate ourselves that way is because it makes us feel good. You know, it’s the same reason why you people do things: it makes you feel good. You do what feels good and don’t what don’t.

Why does it feel good is what I know the scientists are asking next. The answer is grounding. North-South alignment balances us better when we’re doing stuff.

So now you know a little more of the why of animal behavior. I hope this enlightened you. It’s just another of the ways I ceaselessly try to educate you humans.

Thank you.

Sniffer The Maltese

Please Somebody Help Me

That was the message I received with this photograph from this poor suffering little dog.

 

 

His name is Binky, and as you can see, the object of unbelievable cruelty.

He wrote: Sniffer, my owner straps this heavy costume on me every day in summer, parades me around the boardwalk, and forces me to eat hotdogs – note my fatness making my legs walk sideways – and he thinks it’s cute and fun. I’m suffering, Sniffer. Can you help?

I wrote: Dear Brave Little Guy, “must be strong” is what I always say to myself when faced with similar unspeakable circumstances at the hands of my own deluded human caregiver. I mean, this is what they of the two legs like to do:

 

 

 

And – well, I mean, I don’t know what to say:



Binky, I shall post upon my famous Website your plea for help, and trust that your “owner” will see it and the light and put you on a no clothes, no hotdogs leash (what do those delicious looking dogs do - slide directly into your stomach?) and put you on an all vegetables diet.

For now, think good thoughts and know that we of the Sniffer Universe (including I’m sure the well-meaning people in these pictures) luv you.

Your companion in suffering,

Sniffer The Maltese

 

What Music Do Dogs Like?

People from all over ask me what kind of music dogs like. Simple. All kinds. Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, Schubert, Talking Heads. All kinds.

Here’s something your dog will surely enjoy again and again. Enjoy.

Sniffer The Maltese

A Doggie Valentine

This special post should serve as a reminder to all you guys who might forget (as I never do) Valentine’s Day.

I sent the little music video bellow to my girlfriend Fritsie Q (as in Cute) today. This is her.

 

 

If you want, you can send the vid to your Valentine, and don’t say where ya’ got it.

Hey, it’s just another one of the endless thoughtful gestures of mine to my millions of loyal fans around the world like you.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Sniffer The Maltese

  

 

What Your Dog Breed Says About You

Hi, fans. People are always wondering what owning their breed of dog says about them – about the person, not the dog – although, how the dog feels about what their owner type says about them, is a much more interesting question. But anyway, the people at the British Psychological Society studied the phenomenon and found that dog breeds reflect certain stuff about their owners.

You don’t want to read the whole darn thing, so live science has it down to the bone.

By the way, Maltese isn’t listed anywhere. Do you want to know why? Of course you do. It’s because we are so splendid and easy to get along with, and understanding and forgiving, that owning a Maltese is not only a blessing, it says everything about you is fabulous and great.
You just can’t go wrong with a Maltese.

Yours truly,

Sniffer The Maltese

Sophisticated Art

I've been sharing some of my art with the world awhile. You know the story.

 

Fans often ask about my style, approach, where I work, how. I decided to answer those questions with a single portrait. Here's The Artist Struggling.

 Sniffer The Maltese.

 

 

 

Sorry, I'm not currently accepting commissions.

 

36,000 Years Without A Break

Hi, kids. Sniffer, here.

In case you were wondering about the origin of dogs. Well, to make a 36,000 year old story short, that’s about when we kind a’ took shape.

Modern dogs are ancient dogs and wolves from Europe says scientist Olaf Thalmann, from Turku Finland in a new study.

Here some pics of our gorgeous foredads or moms to help you get an idea of our magnificent ancestry.

First’s the skull of a Pleistocene wolf from the Trou des Nutons cave, Belgium, aged 26,000 years ago.

Second’s a skull of a Paleolithic dog from the Goyet cave, Belgium, calibrated age of 36,000 years.

I’m sure you see the resemblance in these noble animals and the Maltese. It goes a long way to explaining why the Maltese is the perfect in every way breed, including being highly adaptable to our caregiver’s personality. After so many centuries of puttin’ up with them, you'd think we’d get property rights. But no, we're just the faithful companion grateful for table scraps and an old shirt to sleep on. Oh well ... 

Dogs In Human Terms

In my previous post, Saddest Video Of All Time, I continued part of my life’s mission to clear up for humans, the misunderstands you guys have about dogs, and I explained how the video guy had it wrong.

The guys in this video get it right!

Sniffer The Maltese

PARENTAL WARNING. STM is a family friendly site, and although there is a momentary crudity depicted in this video, Sniffer The Maltese felt that with proper warning and parental discretion, like “Hey Joey, look at that giraffe in the yard, opps missed it.”  Youngsters could be adequately protected, and this important video shared.

The Management



Saddest Video Of All Time

Sniffer The Maltese here, fans. My work correcting the errors of humankind regarding the greatest animal of all time – dogs – never seems to end.

So this video guy sounds like a nice guy, but most people are until they start telling you what you’re really felling.

His video is right about how smart dogs are, but misunderstands how humans make us feel when you act dumb.

We’re kind of like your doctor, teacher or waiter, not your mother. We tell you the stuff you should know, and if you walk away, we don’t break down and have a miserable day. It’s like, hey, I tried, what’s for dinner?

And the video’s ending, saddens dogs more than an empty refrigerator. How we react to callous human cluelessness from our owners is to the contrary. There, we’re exactly like your mother: we never give up on you!

Luv

Sniffer The Maltese

 

 

Stop The Madness!

People, the madness has to stop. Below are pictures sent to me, Sniffer The Maltese, by poor, suffering dogs around America of them forced into clothes by their owners.

Yes, the Halloween season is upon us, and a month ahead of that - ohhh, so scary night! - begins the unspeakable terror that owners inflict on innocent dogs.

Look at these pictures. It’s unbelievable I know. But it’s what people do to these precious mammals. I ask you, do these dogs look like they’re having fun?!?!

Stop the madness!

Sniffer The Maltese

 

Stop the madness!

Sniffer The Maltese

Famous Dog Gets Google Glass

True to my call to my millions of fans requesting one of ‘em get me Google Glasses, one of my best and greatest fans, my little friend Lala from The Philippines, sent me them. Below is a picture of me with my Google Glass. Don’t I look cool?

  The next picture is of something a little shocking. It’s the first thing I command-shot with my Google Glass on, and I was left speechless – an’ that’s sayin’ a mouthful!

 

 

People, please, you don’t have to do this to your dog in order for her to get my attention. It’s what’s inside that counts. What are those knobs on her hips? Maybe these Google Glasses ain’t such a good idea after all . . .  I’ll see. I’ll take more pictures and videos in the coming months an’ post ‘em here for you guys to decide.

Bye, for now, and thanks again to my favorite fan from The Philippines.

Sniffer The Maltese

Dog Wants Google Glass

Hi everybody. Sniffer The Maltese here. I told my owner Daa I wanted Google Glasses, and he said no. So I’m turnin’ to my millions of fans to get them for me.

Daa said I didn’t need ‘em. Well, he said that about my laptop, Android, and French coffee press, and I can’t do without them now. He also said about the internet “it’s just a gimmick.” See? If he says no to something, it’s proof you got to have it!

With those glasses it’ll be so cool to document my life for yous. I can email while on my back, smell up a tree and tell you about it using voice commends (paws ain’t the best tools for typing, you know). And no, I don’t want them so I can see through clothes. Dogs, you may of noticed, are already naked.

If one of you gets me this thing, you’ll get an autographed copy of my comic book, dinner with me at Taco Bell, permission to walk me for a whole week, and your picture with a movie star – may have to be a dead one - posted on my website.

Thank you very much.

Sniffer The Maltese

P.S. I’ll only accept one Google Glass, so hurry!

P.S.S. WAIT A MINUTE, THOSE AREN’T GOOGLE GLASSES OR GLASS OR WHATEVER. THAT’S JUST A GLASS WITH GOOGLE ON IT. Somebody at production thinks he’s the very funny man. Ho-ho ha-ha, so funny. Hmmm… I wonder what it tastes like…

Fans. These are what I want:

Thank you.

Dear Sniffer Help Me! Crazed

A confused fan writes Sniffer Help Me! for help:

Dear Sniffer, my dog has episodes of crazed behavior. It’s like he goes crazy snarling, running in circles. You know. Does he have D.M.D.D., and should I take him to a psychiatrist?

(Signed) Owner of a Crazed Dog

Sniffer responds:

Dear Pet Owner (sorry but I do not agree to the implication of your signature).

Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (D.M.D.D) does not affect dogs. Neither does the earlier diagnosis of what you describe (in humans), T.D.D.D., temper dysregulation disorder and dysphoria.

As a dog, I am naturally critical of pathologizing  normal dog behavior, and the industry that capitalizes on the latest proposal to cure “imperfect” dog  behavior, that is, behavior unsuited to human expectations for dogs.

It’s like this: dogs deal with stuff (stress, bugs, human craziness) in their own ways. What you’re likely seeing in your “crazed dog” is a natural reaction to environmental factors (almost certainly contributed by his/her owner) in a perfectly sane and natural way.

Remember, dogs are all natural all the time. So, when the dog-whatever does not match the human-whatever --- whatever. Chill. Relax. You’re dog, absent actual infirmity or swallowing a baby potato, is okay. Okay? Okay.

Thanks for writing. I think I saved another life.

Yours in nature.

Sniffer The Maltese

P.S. This animal behavior video – although human made – may help you.

Help Me Sniffer! Funny Looking

A fan writes to Help Me Sniffer:

Sniffer. Kids at school say I’m funny looking.

Sniffer The Maltese answers:

Dear Funny Looking

How cool is that! It’s neat to look a little different from everybody else. If you ARE funny looking, why not smile? You don’t need to change how you look. Look who you are, and you’ll be happy.

Take a bath once a week, though.

Hope this helps.

Sniffer The Maltese

Help Me Sniffer! Flea Bitten

 

 

Dear fans of Sniffer The Maltese. As many of you know, you can send messages to Sniffer The Maltese asking for help and advice with your thorniest problems, and Sniffer replies to those pleas of help.

Starting today, to encourage you not to sit on your problems, the STM team will post occasional messages from fans along with Sniffer’s correspondence resolving the fan’s issue. We want you to know that you are not alone, and that many fans share the same concerns. Do not hesitate to seek help from Sniffer The Maltese. Just write to him using the contact form on the site.

We’re calling this new service, Help Me Sniffer! Here’s one fan’s experience.

Help me Sniffer.

My brother Jethro got fleas from sleepin in the barn. You bein a dog an all, how can he get rid of um? Please help.

Sniffer’s reply:

Dear (name undisclosed) from (undisclosed). Fleas are real easy to get rid of with my foolproof patented process that I call Flea-B-Gone. All you do is borrow a sheep and rub her all over your brother. The fleas will jump off him and onto the sheep. It’s a fact and it’s that easy. Let me know how it turns out.

Helpfully yours, Sniffer The Maltese.

Undisclosed responds:

It worked, man! I’m, I mean Jethro is flea free! He also found a beautiful girlfriend, bathes weekly, brushes his teeth (all four) daily, cooks his grasshoppers now, gave up beer, is pursuin a degree in veterinary technology, and has a whole new lease on life! Thanks man for givin my brother back to his family.

Sniffer’s closing:

That’s what I’m here for.

Selflessly yours, your dog hero, Sniffer The Maltese.

Fans of Sniffer The Maltese, send in your pleas of help using the contact form. For emergencies, mark “urgent!”

Brought to you as a public service by STM Management and Sniffer The Maltese.

Heroic Dogs

 

Hi fans. Now I don’t really know why I post this video, except that I’m so magnanimous with my world famous site, I share it with deserving dogs.

This here video is about some kinda interesting dogs. Not too exciting, but one or two of you might like this kind of documentary thing. Mostly it’s about a dog called Zoe. 

Zoe can swim over four kilometers (that’s not that much in miles), jump out of a helicopter into a lake, drag a drowning adult in treacherous waters for over an hour, and pull dinkies holding 20 panicky people by her teeth. But can she make a cheese omelet? No, I didn’t think so.

Look. I’ve saved plenty of human beings in distress. Do I play the hero? ‘Course not. Not anymore. I just pick up the phone, dial rescue, an’ in a few minutes the desperate human is drinking hot chocolate through a straw.

Anyway, some of the school teachers who visit this site require educational material as an excuse to check out the good stuff, my comics, so here ya’ go: Extraordinary Dogs.

Sniffer The Maltese
(Extraordinarily Humble Dog)

Professor Sniffer Clarifies

In the previous post, "Sniffer The Maltese Answers Fans’ Questions Using Only One Word," many people emailed that Sniffer’s answer to the question, “Who said ‘Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant’” was wrong. Sniffer said, "Plato," but people said that answer was wrong because there were no fire hydrants in 400 BC when Plato the Greek Philosopher lived.

Sniffer The Maltese clarifies:
 

It’s really great to have so many alert fans as you. Thanks for pickin’ up on dat apparent incorrect answer. But the answer happens to be right because the quote was in fact said by my friend Plato. Here’s a dashing picture of ‘em that I think clears everything up.

 

Okay. Glad we got that cleared up.

Professor Sniffer

Professor Sniffer

And now for our newest Sniffer The Maltese dot com feature, Sniffer The Maltese Answers Fans’ Questions Using Only One Word.

First question. Are you ready, Professor Sniffer?

Ready.

Well, that wasn’t really the first question, but okay here we go.

What is the weather like in Peru?

Peruvian.

Excellent!

At what temperature does a hardboiled egg cook?

Boiling.

Great!

Who played Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen in the 1984 movie Dune?

Sting.

Fantastic!

How many Chinese fans does Sniffer The Maltese have?

Millions.

But who’s counting, right? Ha-ha-ha!

…Okay.

In what year was Jesus born?

One.

Lightening round!

Square root of one hundred?

Ten.

What kind of name is Benoit Mandelbrot?

Inconvenient.

What word did Mandelbrot invent?

Fractal.

Finally, who said, “Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant”?

Plato.

Fantastic! And that’s all the time we have for Professor Sniffer Answers Fans’ Questions In Only One Word! Thank you Sniffer The Maltese from the bottom of our hearts!!

K.

Animals Helping Humans

 

Hi fans, Sniffer here. Reading the Doggie Daily as I do most days, I leaned about this book Zoobiquity by Dr. Barbara Natterson-Horowitz, MD – man that’s a long name. Anyway, Dr. B is a cardiologist doin’ work in transesophageal echocardiography, which I think has to do with goat ulcers, but more important, she works in the intersection between human and veterinary medicine, Hollywood and Vine I think, at the University of California Los Angeles.

Dr. B has figured out that regular doctors only take care of one kind of animal, an’ that veterinarian doctors take care of hundreds of kinds. And that by studin’ us non-human animals, especially without cuttin’ us up an’ stuff, and workin’ alongside vets, the human doctor species can learn a thing or two about human health problems.

After all, she found that we’ve had the same health problems as humans before there were humans (like sperm whales have had Hodgkin’s lymphoma forever, an’ we also get ADD, and obsessive compulsive disorder, and that in a nutshell, we all share the same pathology. So, Dr. B says that what’s screwin’ humans up is not your fault. It’s nature at work. And that including us animals in your medical observation is just one more of the millions of ways that we animals can help humans.

Now if I could just get Dr. B to be my own doc, oh what a nice change her soft little gentle hands would be over my vet, Dr. Hyman “Killer Kowalski” Trudds. But no, Daa, my owner, wouldn’t move to Los Angeles where Dr. B is just becuase it be good for his blessed little dog’s health. No, we couldn’t have that – me getting proper medical care for my yeast sensitivity. No, his own human welfare is much more important.

Anyway, don’t worry about me, fans. I’ll pull through even without Dr. B, though it will be hard.

Sniffer The Maltese - Just One More Selfless Underappreciated Animal Helping Humans



A Beautiful Story of Love

Fans, I know that right in my previous letter I said I don’t post lots of stuff with other dogs, since I figure you come here to see me, right? Well, this simple little video doesn’t have me, your favorite dog celebrity, but a fan sent it and it’s so beautiful and touching and expressive of what millions of you humans feel for your beautiful and loving animals (especially dogs), I just had to post it.

Sniffer (Still your favorite dog in the world, right? Besides your own, I mean) The Maltese 



I love you too, Imon. Sniff

 

All Dogs Go To Heaven

I only found this video ‘cause I was searchin’ for possible answers to the eternal question we dogs ask, “Do dogs go to heaven?”

Well, nothin’ here but it’s kind of a humorous vid, and it doesn’t have any dogs (youse know I don’t post lots of videos about other dogs. I mean, you visit here because you want to see and know about me, not other dogs, right? They have their own web-places, right?

Anyway, I don’t approve of everything these guys in the video do, and kids, unfortunately this is how grownups act sometimes (maybe even your own dad). But let’s see what the viewer email is like, and we’ll see if it stays on the site or not.

Luv yas’ fans.

Sniffer The Maltese